Not that anyone reads this, but I figured I better post something before tonight’s game either catapults me towards Valhalla or casts me down into the Swamp of Sadness.
The Fantasy Hopes of four men come down to the Jets and the Titans this evening: Diesel’s season rides (fittingly) on the backs of the Jets Defense, while Frants looks to continue his storybook run with a huge night from Chris Johnson.
Will Mok strike down his brother? Will Frank Gore’s 9-yard “phantom” TD* prove an ill-omen for Kluv? Will the dreams of Mafia Bowlers everywhere be made reality with a last-place finish for Auggie and Ozzy’s Dad — relinquishing his team naming rights to this season’s lucky winner?
Or will that winner show mercy on the overwrought father of those premie twins?
Not a fucking chance.
(*Not counted in ESPN leagues because he picked up a botched snap and ran it in, making it [supposedly] a [stupid goddamn] “return touchdown” [that no one gets credit for] and which I am mentioning here as preemptive sour grapes should Cop Speed go off on Gang Green tonight and ruin everything for me.)
It’s come down to this, gentlemen. The next two weeks will decide our fantasy hopes and dreams for 2012. Will Diesel cruise to the #1 seed? Will Frants & Matty hold off the surging Reed, once bottom of the pack, but now winners of three in a row? Will Travis climb out of the basement and make a miracle run for the playoffs?
No. Travis is toast.
But the rest is still undecided. Good luck to all (except anyone competing against me).
Can You Believe This Guy’s Getting Married?
The REAL question, however: will the Fops (3-2) go easy on Deeb (1-4)?
Elsewhere around the league, we’ve got the top four teams (all at 4-1) going head to head — with LT versus Diesel and Matty versus Yours Truly. There’s also a sad little matchup of the middling Donkey Punchers (2-3) and Rock Mok-A-La (3-2).
But the real meat of this weekend (aside from what the Muad’Dib will be giving his new bride) is the battle of futility: Spermy (0-5) versus Trav (0-5). Luckily for them, one will walk away with his first win of the season. Luckily for us, we will still ridicule the loser (hell, we’ll probably ridicule the winner, too.)
Of course… they could always tie.
The Champ is in the basement. Even more surprisingly, SPERM is in the basement. Diesel and Larry laud their undefeated records over everyone else. Will fortunes change like the decisions of so many scab refs? Time will tell. Week 03 in Recap:
- Larry only had two players earn double-digit points, but those two players (Rothlesbhhhhurger with a rapey 41, speedy Green with 28) were enough to take out the schizophrenic lineup of HB— I mean, the Donkey Punchers… 27 points! 2 points! 3 points! 26 points! 0 points! 4 points! 23 points! 0 points! U-G-L-Y.
- The Fops brought Reed to a place he’s never been before: 0-3 on the season! Just about the only good thing to come out of Monday night’s shitshow.
- Thanks to the Lions D sucking D for -4 points, and a last-play desperations fumble recovery by the Texans, The Andre Reads overcame their own lineup mistakes (scores of 15, 10, 21 points left on the bench) and eeked by the Kellys — who also dropped to 0-3.
- In the battle of the Gangnam Bruders, Sexy Rexy reigned supreme, bringing great joy to Matty and Kluv — who both have axes to grind with the Mokster.
- And then we have Deeb, our former, flailing champion. The Hands bent the Pappies over, put their foot on his face, and proceeded to roger him but good — doubling Deeb’s output for the week. Matty could have started only three players — and beat Deebins entire team.
Good luck in Week Four. Let the byes begin.
1.) Mok can go fuck himself.
2.) Julio Jones can go fuck himself.
3.) Any of you other cunts who won [with the exception of the Donkey Punchers who scored 133] can go fuck yourselves.
4.) Marques Colston and the Saints can go fuck themselves.
5.) Mok can go fuck himself.
That is all.
