MOK, MATTY, COREY AND FRANTS OWE FIFTY BUCKS. You are all also in the bottom half of the standings. Meat Machine, who paid his dues like a gentleman, will assuredly skyrocket northward from here on out.
Unlike this joker, who now has a girlfriend and can’t be bothered to do things like set his lineup, play Call of Duty, or SEND IN HIS FIFTY DOLLARS:
Week Six has arrived — and with it, half of the league has paid their dues. The other half? Not so much. Wanna know who has paid the fifty bones they owe for the season?
LOOK AT THE TOP FIVE TEAMS IN THE STANDINGS.
The other hosers, all with losing records, have neglected their obligations, and will no doubt continue to suffer. So don’t waste your time worrying whether you should snag Nick Foles off the waiver wire. Just send me your goddamn MONEY.
As for week five…
Human Geno Project: 2,185
The Instruction Manuel: .02
Diesel declared to the league that he is not one to be trifled with, dropping a buck twenty-nine on Kluv while leaving another 100 points on his bench. That’s right, diesel’s bench could have beaten half the teams in the league this week. Fuck.
DeSean Of The Dead: 108
Frants Fops: Less Than 108
Brady nabbed Larry only five points, but it mattered little thanks to DeSean and Jamal with their 21’s — coupled with the fact that Tony Romo humiliated Brantley by scoring 52 fucking points on the bench.
NewYork Platinum Pappies: 107
Meat Machine: 124
The Meat proved that you don’t need to field much of a team (half of the Machine underperformed this week) when Pey-Pey is gonna get you 40+ points every week.
The Red Hands: 87
The Riceman Cometh: 99
With four players on a bye this week, the Red Hands just missed upsetting the Ricemen — Gronk, Gronk, where art thou?
Clean Out Urlacher: WHO
The Slumbering Spermicetti: CARES
I’ll actually give a shit about these two once they pay the league dues.
Week four is upon us, and with that, I’m sure some of you have already started to feel the hope of a winning fantasy season start slipping from your fingers. Though that may be true, it’s still no excuse to be a dirty effing welcher and not pay your dues. $50 bucks is owed from each of you yardsticks, and I have only received checks from two of you:
The Glorious Christopher Rice (3-0) and The Ever-Sexy Diesel Buffness (2-1). Notice a trend here? Pay your debts and the fantasy gods just may smile upon you. As for DEEB, MATTY, LARRY, BRANTLEY, MIKE and COREY — send your $50 to me and fix that karma…
Or, I keep digging up gems like these:
Now, for the week three recap:
The Riceman Cometh: 111
The Instruction Manuel: 91
Mr. Rice continues to run the table, currently sitting at 3-0 after handing The Instruction Manuel their first loss of the season. Even a fat goose egg from Spiller wasn’t enough to slow him down, with Stafford and Jimmy Graham accounting for almost half his team’s points. He faces the Human Geno Project this week.
DeSean of the Dead: 89
Meat Machine: 81
Thanks to some power running, Larry was able to escape the Meat Machine (and negative points from his Texan defense). And, considering he left 104 points on his bench (78 from three players) it’s a damn lucky thing he did. He best not do that again when he goes up against The Instruction Manuel on Sunday — who’ve scored the most points in the league so far.
Frants Fops: 103
The Slumbering Spermicetti: 71
The Fops whumped on the Sleepy Sperm, who had all but three players put up only single digit scores. Brutal. Frants and Mike meet this week, both eager to shake their 1-2 starts.
The Human Geno Project: 80
Clean Out Urlacher: 76
Brother versus Brother. Diesel proved that handcuffing can go a long way, while Mok proved that Eli Manning will always kill your fantasy team. 119 yards passing? Against a team that the BILLS beat the week before??? Welcome to 0-3, Mok. You’ll have to take out Matty if you’re gonna avoid going 0-4.
New York Platinum Pappies: 97
The Red Hands: 77
The Pappies are on a two-game win streak after their embarrassing season opener after dispatching the Red Hands. This is all in spite of his having the highest total of points against in the league. Luck? Skill? Deeb. Who faces a seemingly wounded (but still dangerous) Spermy in week 4.
The Instruction Manuel: 154
New York Platinum Pappies: 107
The Pappies picked up where they left off most Mafia Bowl seasons, with a big, fat loss. Even with an underperforming Megatron, he still managed to put up 107 points — which was most among the losing teams. But the Pappies are still losers. The Manuel’s bench may be thin as his hair, but if he keeps dropping a buck-fifty each week, it won’t matter.
DeSean of the Dead: 102
Slumbering Spermicetti: 80
Has the reign of Sperm come to an end? After ALMOST finishing last in 2012, he opens the 2013 season with a big, fat 80-point stinker. Four of his nine starters put up 5 points or less. He’s going to have to work his waiver wire magic to fill some holes. DeSean put up a normally respectable 102 — but like the NFL, it has become an offensive league, and 102 was only good enough to beat three other teams this week. Lucky for Larry, he was facing one of those teams.
The Riceman Cometh: 117
Clean Out Urlacher: 94
First off: congratulations to Mok for the most improved team name. After suffering through that Cutler 2.0 shit for the last few years, one has to wonder where this one came from. Has he found joy in his life again thanks to his ladyfriend? Either way, it’s hilarious and I love it. Chris, new to the league, rode respectable performances from Stafford and his receiving corps to the win. He also gets my BEST COACH OF THE WEEK AWARD because he’s the only one of you skels to actually pay his league dues.
Meat Machine: 162
The Red Hands: 106
Peyton. What else is there to say?
Frants Fops: 98
The Human Geno Project: 120
The reigning champ, who I definitely wish no ill will upon after beating me in the championship this year and stealing Reggie Bush from me this year in the fucking draft beat the Fops — who I’ve always wondered why they don’t have an apostrophe in their name (Frants’ Fops), which is just proper grammar unless Brantley is considering Frants to be a place, not a person, which is still pretty retarded.
I expect the rest of you to get your dues in by next week, or I start pulling out old embarrassing photos and share them with the world via social media.
We find out this week.
Not that anyone reads this, but I figured I better post something before tonight’s game either catapults me towards Valhalla or casts me down into the Swamp of Sadness.
The Fantasy Hopes of four men come down to the Jets and the Titans this evening: Diesel’s season rides (fittingly) on the backs of the Jets Defense, while Frants looks to continue his storybook run with a huge night from Chris Johnson.
Will Mok strike down his brother? Will Frank Gore’s 9-yard “phantom” TD* prove an ill-omen for Kluv? Will the dreams of Mafia Bowlers everywhere be made reality with a last-place finish for Auggie and Ozzy’s Dad — relinquishing his team naming rights to this season’s lucky winner?
Or will that winner show mercy on the overwrought father of those premie twins?
Not a fucking chance.
(*Not counted in ESPN leagues because he picked up a botched snap and ran it in, making it [supposedly] a [stupid goddamn] “return touchdown” [that no one gets credit for] and which I am mentioning here as preemptive sour grapes should Cop Speed go off on Gang Green tonight and ruin everything for me.)